


Remember Me

by spacedaydreamer



Category: Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World
Genre: Depression, F/M, Suicidal Thoughts, i wanted to write fluff but then it ended up as last chapter emil on his journey around the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 04:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9218306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacedaydreamer/pseuds/spacedaydreamer
Summary: Emil isn't sure why he went to Iselia first on his last trip around the world, but he ended up running into someone he didn't expect to see in the village. (short emil/colette, this is not a happy fic)





	

Emil wasn’t sure why he returned to Iselia first on his last journey around the world. It wasn’t like he held any particularly good memories about the place, if anything it was the exact opposite. He’d hated the city for so long, just because it was where Lloyd was born- but now that he knew better, he really wasn’t sure what he could think. That many negative feelings wouldn’t just disappear overnight, and yet he couldn’t muster up anything really negative about this place anymore.

And so, he ended up just wandering aimlessly, looking around the small paths of the village. He was surprised to find that of all people, it wasn’t Lloyd or Raine who was standing outside the school building- it was Colette.

Emil couldn’t help but smile in spite of himself, as he watched her interact with the villagers. It was clear how much they all loved her just from how they spoke to her, how much respect and kindness they held in their voices. It was almost bittersweet, in a way… even if the people of Luin didn’t hate him anymore, none of them really saw him as _him_. It was clear they were only polite to them because they were either scared of him, or scared of his companions.

He was going to turn to leave, not wanting to distract Colette from her conversations, when she noticed him. Her eyes lit up with excitement as she started waving to him, saying quick goodbyes as she ran over to him.

“Emil, hi! What are you doing here?”

“O-Oh, um… I was planning on making one last trip around the world. You know, get a good reminder of what I’m going to be protecting stuck in my mind…”

Emil smiled, trying to push down the earlier melancholy. He still wasn’t even entirely at peace with who he was, or why he existed at all, but he had to pretend otherwise. He knew that if anyone was aware of his reservations they’d never let him go ahead with sealing the Ginnungagap; and he couldn’t let them stop him. He was dangerous, he knew that. The sooner the door was sealed, the better it was for the world. Thankfully, Colette seemed to be unaware of his internal dialogue, as she continued to speak.

“Oh, that sounds like a great idea! It was a lot the same for me, last time… Granted, I technically _had_ to make the journey, but I loved finally being able to see the world for myself.” Colette’s smile was bittersweet, but she shook off the hesitation she seemed to be feeling. “But… I’m glad that my journey didn’t end there.”

Emil nodded in agreement, giving her a soft smile.

“That’s because you were able to save both worlds, right?”

“No, that’s not just it.”

Emil was surprised when she shook her head, and continued to speak.

“It’s because… I got to spend more time with everyone. I got to see so much, yes, but it’s _who_ I saw that means more to me. I mean, I’d never have gotten to meet you or Marta if my journey had stopped the first time we reached the Tower of Salvation. You guys are both my friends, I can’t imagine what it would have been like to have never met either of you!”

She grabbed onto his hands as she spoke, holding them up and shaking them in an impassioned gesture. Emil couldn’t help but blush a little bit as she did so- Colette really was such a straightforward and kind person, wasn’t she?

“So, that’s why… I don’t want you to do anything stupid, okay Emil?”

“H-Huh?”

“I know what it feels like. To think that the only way to save everyone is to sacrifice yourself, to think that the only way anyone could ever be happy was if you were gone… but that’s not true. We’ll all really miss you, no matter what happens- we want you to be _happy_ , Emil.”

He bit his lip, unable to meet Colette’s gaze. It was like she could see right through him, like she could tell exactly what he’d been thinking.

“Colette, I… you don’t need to worry about me, okay? I’m not doing this because I feel like I need to, I’m doing it because I want to.”

It was a blatant lie, and it looked like Colette could tell. It was obvious from her face that she knew better than to believe him, but he couldn’t say anything more. He hated having to lie to everyone in the first place, and seeing her like this… it just made him hate himself more. He was… really going to be hurting all of them. Was what he wanted to do.. was it right? Maybe he could find some other way, once all of them were gone- no, there _was_ no other way. The longer he waited, the more likely it was that Ratatosk actually _would_ come back, and then everyone would be in danger again. It was better for him to be sealed off as soon as possible; and even if they couldn’t forgive him for it, he hoped they could at least understand.

He was waiting for a reprimand, or some sassy comment, but it never came. Instead, he felt a sudden contact- Colette had hugged him, squeezing him close and not letting go.

It took every ounce of Emil’s being not to break right then and there, and tell her everything.  
She didn’t say anything, just stayed like that for a short while, before finally letting go of Emil. He felt fidgety and awkward now, unable to really look at Colette for fear that the second he did, he’d lose the last of his strength. Good Martel, if he’d broken down this much just from a hug from Colette, he had no idea how he’d manage to keep up the façade with Marta when they next met…

“I trust you, okay Emil? I believe that you’ll end up making the right choice.”

“Colette… thank you. I should be heading off now, though…”

Colette only smiled, nodding happily. It was clear from her face that she was worried about Emil, but he had to leave now. He could feel tears starting to form in the corners of his eyes, and he didn’t know how much longer he could keep his voice level or his shoulders from shaking.

“I’ll see you soon, okay? I hope you enjoy the rest of your journey.”

“Okay, bye Colette. I promise, I’ll enjoy it.”

He spun around and left the village as quickly as he could, desperate to get out of Iselia. He wasn’t sure when he started crying- it was probably some point after running into the forest, but he didn’t know for certain. However, once it started, it wouldn’t stop. Tears continued to fall from his eyes, cascading endlessly as his body was wracked with sobs. He heard Tenebrae show up at one point, but the centurion only sat nearby, watching in silence.

The tears began to slow after a while, leaving only a hollow pain in Emil’s heart. Only now did Tenebrae walk closer to him, sitting directly in front of Emil with a carefully neutral expression.

“Lord Emil, if it pains you so, then mightn’t you be able to find other options?”

“Tenebrae.. you know I can’t do that. I… I _have_ to do this, for everyone. Regardless of what happens to me…”

“It may not be my place to say this as your servant, Lord Emil, but I do not believe that what you are planning would make the most people happy.”

“ _I know that._ ” Emil snapped, head buried in his knees so that he couldn’t see any reaction Tenebrae might have given. “I’m fully aware of that, but… sometimes, what we want doesn’t matter. I couldn’t ask them all to pick between me and the world- I could _never_ put that sort of pain on them all. I know that they’d all hate me for forcing their hands like this, but it’s the only possible way that they’ll finish me off. If I tried to revert myself to a core in any other way, they’d stop me long before I could act on it. And besides, there’s no way I could let their last memories of me be me taking my own life, that’d be too cruel.”

“Lord Emil…” Tenebrae sighed, taking a while to compose his thoughts. “You know that I will not disagree with your wishes. Whatever path you choose, I will walk beside you- not only as your servant, but as your friend. If you truly desire to go forwards with this plan, I shall not interfere. I only wish for you to know that you are not without options, if you so desired.”

“Please… please just leave me alone for a while.”

Tenebrae nodded, and disappeared. Emil could sense that Tenebrae had left both visually and physically, but he didn’t move. He was being selfish, he _knew_ that. He was fully aware that his choice would hurt everyone, that making them kill him would only lead to immense pain. However, Tenebrae was wrong- he _didn’t_ have a choice. Colette had said self-sacrifice wasn’t the answer, but in the case where it’s your very self who you’re fighting, what _was?_ He wasn’t strong enough to beat Ratatosk in a fight, and he wasn’t bold enough to convince him in a conversation. He was only a mistake; a fragment of the summon spirit who was never supposed to be born. Was it really a crime to think that a mistake such as himself should just… disappear?

Emil didn’t know the answer. No matter how long he’d spent thinking about it, he could never figure out the answer. It had plagued him ever since he’d discovered the truth about everything back in Altamira, and he knew that it would never stop weighing down on him.

He stayed in place for roughly an hour, not moving an inch the entire time. He only finally stood up when his arms were starting to grow sore and his back ached, forcing him to stand and stretch. He still had far to go with his rheiard if he wanted to see the world for his last time…

“I guess I’ll be off, then… and goodbye.”

It was his last moment of weakness, his last possible plea for help- but nobody would be there to hear it.

**Author's Note:**

> ...why does everything i touch become angst and pain


End file.
